Diary of a Dedicated, Medicated Freak

bleeding_lotus @ 2007-12-08T21:05:00

2007-12-09T03:18:37Z

What's happening to me lately...I feel like everything is changing, like my whole world is turning around into an upsidedown alternate world. I've begun changing from the geeky, hyper, crazy girl I used to know to a melancholy, low-self esteemed and suicidal one. Ever since 'he' has stopped talking to me, my mood and attitude has just gotten lower and lower until the point where I now have scars lining my wrists, and I don't know why. In the past I've dealt with things like this before...I even told myself I wouldnt get upset, I mean it's natural to get a little down after something like this but I'm being unnaturally miserable and I just want to die.

I feel like I've been plunged into an ice cold ocean,
Filled with all sorts of foreboding creatures.
Creatures that could pop out of any pitch black
Seaweed covered hole in the ocean floor
And attack.
That is, if it got to me before the cold of the water
Causes hypothermia as I slowly freeze to death,
Unless of course, before this happens
I simply drown.

I feel like theres so many ways I could just die
And be taken off this idiotic planet once and for all...
But none of them come, I just float in the ocean
Waiting...and waiting and watching
Imagining more and more ways of my death
And hoping that they can come and finally
I can stop waiting,
And die.

Something Like Me

2007-12-08T18:26:41Z

A broken promise..a broken smile.
A broken dream...a broken heart.
All of these broken things...
And as with all broken things,
They shall be thrown out.
Like a broken toy that is forgotten,
Like a broken window that is replaced.

A broken promise,
A stupid thought of mine...
I was a fool to believe someone like you,
Would like me.
Someone of such perfection,
To like such a rundown creature,
A creature with no value...
Something like me.

A broken smile,
My eternal act.
I don't want to see you cry,
To see anyone upset...
I don't want to make you feel bad,
So this charade continues..
'Till I can finally smile for real..A real smile?
For something like me?

A broken dream,
The dream I've always dreamt..
What I've always wanted, I got.
Just recently...it came true.
But, as they say, dreams don't come true..
Which, I guess, is why it's turned into a nightmare.
What I've always wanted...for someone like you...
To like something like me.

A broken heart,
Can't be mended.
It is not your fault,
You didn't try to break it.
But something so fragile,
Is easily broken.
Something so fragile...
Something like me.
And when something is broken,
It is thrown out.
And it is forgotten,
And finally, it's replaced.

So throw out my heart..my feelings..me.
Forget who I am..who I was..
Replace me with a new thing,
A better thing...something worth being called a person.
Because when something is broken,
It no longer works.
And since my heart is broken...
I guess I'm dead.

Something Like Me.

Silently Screaming

2007-12-08T01:34:59Z

I'm sitting by my bedroom window,
Wishing someone were there.
I softly sing a lullaby,
Wishing someone would hear.

But wishing is for fairy tales,
Let's check back into life.
When others waste time wishing
Is when I pick up my knife.

I slash and cut and tear and rip
Until I finally bleed.
Then cover it up secretly,
With my jacket sleeve.

Secretly, I emphasize
Because no one knows about me.
They all see me as the happy friend
Without a problem standing.

I smile for them, so they don't frown.
Happiness is "contagious".
But if that was true, then why is it
That I'm not advantageous?

But I do have just one wish,
Just some wild dream...
That someone will come and realize
I'm not as happy as I seem.

That person never comes, of course,
As I have forever known.
So I sit back, silently screaming,
Waiting for my scars to show.